Covid, Communism, and Corruption: How my mental health took a hit in 2020

All was good until about the end of February last year. It was supposed to be “15 days to flatten the curve”, and we all fell for it. Once they had us home, on lockdown, for the first 15 days, they knew they had us in their grip, and they’ve only been squeezing tighter and tighter as the days and months have gone on.

Losing my job in March because of Covid didn’t seem like the end of the world. I would get unemployment and I thought it would just be a couple months, at most, before we could go back to living normally. However, I remembered back to the day I heard about Covid at work, thinking immediately that it sounded fishy and must be connected to Trump in some way… it just smelled rotten. I knew it was a democrat setup.

In May I gave up drinking. I had been a daily drinker and all this turmoil wasn’t making my alcoholism any better. I had a Come To Jesus meeting with myself and God, and I realized I could either clean up my act and get prepared for whatever Spiritual battle was coming down the pike, or I could spend the rest of my life drunk, in bed, throwing up, and wasting any potential I had left to help fight this war we are in. However, that was my vice. That was my coping mechanism. Now I was needing to learn how to deal with life’s pain in full, no filters, no numbing agents. Just my brain. And my heart. For me, dealing with life ‘s problems in a sober way has never felt good; but, I’m 8 months into it, and going back is not an option.

I didn’t understand much of the details of what was happening politically but was sure our President and truth and justice and freedom and the Constitution would always prevail. Let freedom ring, right?! No matter what those bastards on the left did to us, I knew in my heart that we would win because we were honest, truthful, forthright. Heck, we even love God. We have to win, right?? (Well, that was my delusion, anyway.)

And then I saw what happened to the McCloskey’s. I knew immediately, although I hated guns from gun accidents earlier in my life, that I had to buy a gun, get trained, and keep it here at home for my own protection. That was in July. I was feeling a little panicky and nervous back then about the state of our country, but nothing like I feel today.

Also over the summer, I learned from reading my son’s FB posts, that he was supporting Antifa in Seattle and trying to help collect money for their riot gear. He had the fortitude to tell me he agreed with them and supported them and their ideas, but then come September, when I received an extra Primary ballot in the mail here at home for him – even though he had moved and registered in Washington state, I joked with him on the phone, stating that he was going to vote for Trump this year since I had his ballot. I guess that joke was funny only to me.
He never spoke to me again. He cut off all communication with me.

I found over the last few months I would – and still do – break down and cry uncontrollably. The night of January 6th I sobbed and wailed, I was so upset at what happened at the Capitol. My husband was telling me I can’t let it bother me so much. But how do I not? This is our whole country, and our whole world that is suffering and dying at the hands of some sick psychos. And we can’t do anything about it???
I have extreme highs when I think I’m close to figuring out this whole mess, and then I have extreme lows when we get kicked in the teeth by the democrats. I’m constantly in an irritated state, always feeling the adrenaline kicking up in my gut… I have moments of rage when I snap, and then I feel terrible afterwards. I’ve yelled at my husband or my animals and not really known why. The pressure builds and I blow. I’ve literally scared them because it’s obvious I’m losing control of myself. I am constantly forgetting topics while I am talking about them. There’s many things I can add to this list, but I really want to emphasize: None of this was happening to me a year ago.

Is this PTSD? What is this?? I know for certain you can only kick a person so many times before they snap. I don’t know which straw was the one that broke my camel’s back, I just know I’m broken. It’s obvious to those who know me well that something is deeply wrong. Talking about any of this can bring me to tears. I’m trying to numb myself, harden my heart, but it’s all… painful. Thankfully, strangers don’t notice my mental state (or maybe they do, I’m sure my aura is black), so I’m still able to go out in public, but I prefer to stay home. I’m not a very nice person anymore and I don’t seem to care what anyone else on this planet thinks. I no longer care.

All in all, I want someone to blame, someone to point my finger at. Someone to hurt as badly as I hurt. And then the phrase, “Thanks Obama!” comes to mind. Speaking of the devil, my dad told me back in 2008 (before he passed away), that if Obama ever got in the White House, our world would never be the same. My old man was long in the tooth, and he was right. I thank God he’s not here now to see his prediction coming true.

…And so I live to fight another day.

  10 comments for “Covid, Communism, and Corruption: How my mental health took a hit in 2020

  1. Iz
    January 17, 2021 at 1:38 pm

    Absolutely fabulous read. Real, relatable, and so well written. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    • Dana
      January 18, 2021 at 7:18 am

      I am grouchy over the tension of waiting but I know that God’s resurrection of good is coming for America and Donald Trump is His tool to lead us to victory over the cabal of globalists! Take heart, meditate to sooth your nerves and tune in to peace in the midst of this hurricane!

      • generalpatriot2021
        January 18, 2021 at 7:46 am

        Thank you for your supportive words! We all need to help each other get through this. I truly believe we are in our end days and no matter what else happens, we need to give the glory to God. I agree with you, Donald Trump was placed in our lives for a very important reason. Not saying I “trust the plan” from Q necessarily, but I most certainly trust God’s plan. Thank you again, Dana. I appreciate your comment.

    • generalpatriot2021
      January 18, 2021 at 7:39 am

      Thank you, I appreciate hearing this. It was written with an abundance of passion and sprinkled with very little logic. For me, my personal truths are always the easiest to write about. I hope to do more of this here in the future. Thanks, again!

  2. Sandra Matzke
    January 17, 2021 at 2:13 pm

    Great article! I feel some of the same ways u did/do. I have to remember I am a child of God and put my focus on him and his ways. 💜

    • generalpatriot2021
      January 18, 2021 at 8:01 am

      Thank you very much Sandra. I am finding there are a great number of us who all are feeling similar, because at some level, we are all connected anyway. The amount of unrest and uncertainty in hearts right now is massive…but in spite of the unrest, I am leaving the light on. I will never turn it off. Donald Trump came into our lives when we needed an advocate, a representative, a leader, and he actually showed us love. He showed us that we need to put ourselves first. He genuinely cares about us. He fought valiantly every single day for us his entire term… And it’s crushing to see him go… so instead of staying crushed, I leave the light on. Like a little kid waiting and watching on Christmas eve, hoping for a miracle.

      Heart of hearts? I have a feeling we will all just be amazed in the end!

  3. Mare
    January 17, 2021 at 5:44 pm

    2020 has been brutal to all of us. Just remember, we have 80mm strong who voted for our President. We are the majority. We must stick together and push back. Good will triumph over evil in the end.

    • generalpatriot2021
      January 18, 2021 at 8:09 am

      Thanks Mare. You are absolutely correct. We are the majority. And you can only oppress a majority as long as they don’t know you are oppressing them. Once they know it, it’s a whole new ball game. That is where we are today. We are pushing back. We are making a difference. We don’t know 100% who or what the enemy is just yet, but I have no doubt the majority, We the People, are up to the challenge of eradicating the enemy. We are covered. Thank you again for, and God bless!

  4. Peggy
    January 18, 2021 at 7:49 am

    The frustration of seeing the power of the wicked come to greater fruition in our daily lives is beyond explanation. They can, by the very stroke of a pen, cause us to alter our lives, take away our means of making a living, and brainwash the vulnerable. I am angry, I am sad, I am filled with righteous indignation, and I am loosing my “happy”. I used to be a humble, happy, thankful person. Although I have not lost my faith in God, my ability to be that person is disappearing and I don’t like it. This mess is changing me. I identify with your article. Thank you for sharing your raw thoughts !

    • generalpatriot2021
      January 18, 2021 at 8:16 am

      Oh my goodness! I truly feel you, Sister! I wish people like us would come together in some way to share our common raw feelings, such as these. I certainly know when I talk to my husband about this, I don’t get anywhere near the same Sympatico reaction as I just felt while reading your comment! I think I’ll talk to you from now on Peggy, LOL!
      We’ll get through this, hang on! And thank you so much for your comment!

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